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visitations

by Alexa Dexa

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1.
a visitation, a spectre 05:42
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hold my ghost my ghost a visitation, a spectre a visitation, a spectre a visitation, a spectre a visitation, a spectre cycles and forgettings rememberings again breathless I sate myself with your remnants I am wrenched cleaved in two the parts of me that are mine still and the parts I left with you breathless I sate myself the parts I left with you with your remnants with your remnants with your remnants with your remnants hold my ghost my ghost I sate myself with your remnants with your remnants a visitation, a spectre a visitation, a spectre a visitation, a spectre a visitation, a spectre cycles and forgettings rememberings again breathless I sate myself in your remnants I am wrenched cleaved in two the parts of me that are mine still and the parts I left with you a visitation, a spectre a visitation, a spectre cycles and forgettings rememberings again breathless I sate myself in your remnants a visitation, a spectre a visitation, a spectre the parts I left with you a spectre a spectre a spectre a spectre
2.
frantic to keep 05:22
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in my dreams I’m recreating the home you made for me I’m frantic to keep you close my need to keep the corporeal forms touched by yours touched by yours your scent the plants you cultivated your impression impressed on me your material objects the treasures of your intellect these fragments fragments I’m grasping at these fragments fragments I’m frantic to keep in my dreams I’m recreating the home you made for me I’m frantic to keep you close I'm frantic to keep in my dreams I’m recreating the home you made for me I’m frantic to keep you close my need to keep the corporeal forms touched by yours touched by yours I'm frantic to keep my need to keep the corporeal forms touched by yours touched by yours
3.
futures diverted 05:49
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haunting the moments I didn’t move forward with my past collapsing into my present in bed with my futures diverted a hollow convergence phantoms rewinding repeatedly restless & besieged missing what's missing a circular pursuit elapsing
4.
grieving 05:47
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the persistence of this now time the persistence, the persistence the persistence, the persistence the persistence of this now time grieving the ghosts of my previous bodyminds I am the mess left behind I am the mess left behind dissociating I am the mess left behind dissociating I am the mess left behind grieving the ghosts of my previous bodyminds I am the mess left behind grieving the echo of my heart aches carrying the echo of my past lives and the persistence of this now time the persistence, the persistence the persistence, the persistence the echo of my heart aches carrying the echo of my past lives and the persistence of this now time disconnected the echo disconnected the echo the echo the echo of my heart aches carrying the echo of my past lives and the persistence of this now time grieving the ghosts of my previous bodyminds I am the mess left behind I am the mess left behind dissociating I am the mess left behind dissociating I am the mess left behind grieving the ghosts of my previous bodyminds I am the mess left behind grieving I am the mess left behind grieving I am the mess left behind grieving I am the mess left behind grieving

about

a soft trance ritual into other realms

for my ghosts and my grief

...

a past I wanted to rekindle
a visitation, a spectre
a lecture on repeating histories
cycles and forgettings
rememberings again
the parts of me that were yours
only here in response to your color
to the coaxing you brought out
a me I needed and now miss
a heart stop ping catch ing ring ing
end less
even in your end
a loop of tendrils fixing me to the idea of
you in my present, a future you maybe
saw but never stepped into
I am wrenched
cleaved in two
the parts of me that are mine still
and the parts I didn't know I left with you
choking me
even in your death
in this pause and pregnant absence
you hold your hand round my neck
catching my breath
breathless
I sate myself in your remnants

...

a visitations inspired oracle spread for communing with the dead + taking root among the living:

communing with the dead

1. What messages do you need to hear from me?
2. How can I honor you + carry your legacy forward?
3. What messages do you need me to hear?

taking root among the living

1. What messages do I need to hear from myself?
2. How can I connect to what makes me feel most alive?
3. How can I grow, letting your messages uphold me + shape me?

credits

released October 31, 2022

Composed, Recorded, & Performed by Alexa Dexa

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about

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Alexa Dexa New York, New York

Alexa Dexa is a XxgrandmacoreXx toychestral electroacoustic composer-performer operating in a do-it-yourself/do-it-together capacity to deconstruct the harms of patriarchy using music as a tool of transformative self-care. Their collection of toy instruments
rivals a playpen. ... more

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